I cannot remember a time I have not battled anxiety. To use an expression I learned as a child, I am constantly “wound up tighter than an eight-day clock”. Over the past several months, things have only gotten worse. There is an ever-present tightness in my chest. My nerves feel as though they are exposed and even the slightest stimulation is too much.
There are small bits of respite, though. When I see an open field, a calm washes over me and I want to stay in that place forever. Sometimes, my husband senses my desperation and suggests a drive west. He knows that the sight of fields and farms are one of the few things that can bring piece to my soul. One particular weekend, we drove all the way to Dixon (an almost two-hour drive one way). We stopped at Blain’s Farm & Fleet, which, to me, is a little slice of heaven. If we don’t have time for a long drive, we head over to the nearest Tractor Supply and, for those brief moments, I am calm. I am smiling. I am peaceful.
This morning has been rough. I am overwhelmed with homework, financial difficulties, and work. Then what to my wondering eyes should come across my email but a message from Mother Earth News on seed starting. I opened that email and I felt the tightness in my chest lessen. I was filled with thoughts of playing in the dirt and planting seeds. For a moment, there was joy in my heart!
It is difficult to explain this calling to the land to others. They don’t get it no matter how hard I try to describe it. They don’t understand that this isn’t just a hobby. This is something my heart is pulling me to and the longer I ignore it and try to push it away, the more my soul aches and anxiety consumes me.
I was talking with a dear friend yesterday after pulling some Tarot cards for myself. I am new to this and wanted her expert analysis on the spread I had drawn. In the end, she told me the message was that I know myself best and know what I need to do. She said, “You already know the answer to this one, you just have to embrace it.” She is right. I do know. I need to stop looking for approval. I may never get it.